Arashi Kato

[_[Spitfire]_]

Name: Arashi (Storm) Kato
-Nickname: Storm
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Breed: Demonic Human
Ranking: Suzaku Elite
Alliance: Suzaku
Elemental Affinity: Wind, Darkness, Gravity
Warrior Class: Ninja, Spellcaster
Sub Class: Assassin, Sage
-----------------------
Appearance:



Arashi is about 5 feet 9 inches and weighs 130 pounds. He is very skinny because he has been eating properly ever since he began to live by himself, He has started to eat properly again because Hikari has forced him to. He has a six pack and many other muscles. He has dark blonde hair and a Tattoo of a flame on his left arm. Few people know why he has that Tattoo on his arm, he belong to an Organization of Assassins before he join Suzaku. He has emerald eyes and wears a sleeve-less jacket. On top of his right gloves he has a charm that Hikari gave to him while he was a child, signifying their love for each other. He always wears black clothes, probably to blend in with the darkness, but no one officially knows. When he uses Thanatos power his eyes become blood red when angered and blue when he is protecting something. His sword, Thanatos, weighs about 70 pounds, some people would say that it’s heavy, but over the time, he has gotten use to it, it doesn't bother him anymore. His clothes are made out a special fabric that weighs about nothing, but is able to withstand the intense winds created by his powers.


Personality:

Arashi had been a care free person that loves to do whatever he wants but hates to ask people for help. He always was confident that he is always doing the right thing. He doesn't like to used as a tool and will kill anyone who abuses any of his friends. He can be annoying because he always want his way. He doesn’t trust a lot of people besides his classmates, teachers, and Hikari. He might help a lot of people such as help someone cross a road, or protecting someone from an assassin. Even though he might seem like a nice person, he has a past that has hardened his heart. He is a cool person to hang out with but never get on his bad side; it might end in your death.

History/Background Story:

Arashi had a wonderful life with his mother, father. He was living in a three story mansion at the heart of Nyukyoto, and was going to a great school that help to him improve his magical powers. But that all changed on his fourteenth birthday, Arashi was walking home from school, when he found their front door opened. As he walked in, he noticed blood on the floor and ran to where the blood was coming from. He opened the locked door and found his mother, Asuka Kato, and his father, Sora Kato, being ripped part by black figures, wrapped in black cloaks. After that Arashi life was never the same again, he just had lost to two most important people in his life. Ever since that incident, Arashi had left his home town Nyukyoto, in hopes of gaining power. He journeyed throughout distand lands to find the infamous, Suzaku, a ruthless clan of criminals aiming for world domination, in search of evil power to fill the gap in his heart, and to final have revenge on the demons that killed his parents. While he was searching for Suzaku, he heard of a Legendary Sword called, Thanatos, that would give it's master any wish he or she desired. Since it gave it master any wish, he started a quest for it, looking aimless for it. Finall after about 15 day of look aimless around Nyukyoto, and distand lands, he found it. A sword created by the wind, inside of a Endless Hurricane. After about a day he finally got to the inner core of the hurricane, blood was drippin from every part of his body because of the intense winds, fast enough to cut you in two. As he walk up to the sword, a dark aura flashed around it, he knew, something evil possessed this sword, but if i granted him the wish to have his parents back, he would do it. As fast as he could, he ran up and grab the sword, it seemed like a normal sword until, that dark aura flashed again. This time it englufed him. He began to hear a evil, dark, sinister voice in his head, it was the Demon of the Sword, Thanatos. Thanatos and Arashi talked for about an hour. Finally Thanatos granted his wish for power, an evil power. Arashi eyes became red and demonic, his skin glowed with the dark aura. He had finally got what he wished for but still wanted more, he set off for Suzaku, once again, but his soul was never the same again.
-------------------------------



RP Sample:

"Revenge comes in many ways"

It had been about 2 years since Arashi had visited Nyukyoto, after that incident, and Arashi had decide to see what has happened to the town he once loved. As he walk into the city, everything look the same to him, but sometime felt wrong, not only could Arashi sense it, Thanatos sensed it too. Arashi talked to Thanatos through his mind. Arashi said "I dont like the feeling I get from being around here, Thanatos, it felt just like that day when I lost my parents" Thanatos replied "I dont like the looks of this either, from my eyes, i can see a Dark Aura, weaker than mine surrounding that building up ahead, there is some kind of demonic force in there." Arashi began to walk toward the building, he notice that it was his old school. He opened the front door and walked in. But Arashi knew there was something wrong, he felt a strong force, about the same one he had felt when he absorbed Thanatos. He walked around the building look for the source. He looked in every classroom, but something was weird. No matter which classroom he look in, the students didnt even look at him, it was like they were under some spell. Arashi though "Whatever" and continued to look. Finally Arashi went to the top of the roof and saw two hooded figures, sitting. It look as if they were chanting something underneath their breath. Arashi, slowly began to walk toward the figures. One look up at him, and began to walk toward him. Arashi began to ask it questions, "What is going on here?" "What are you doing?" But they gave no answer, the only sound Arashi could hear was it's heavy breathing. The black robed figure, without question created a black aura in its hand and pulled out a Scythe. Arashi terrified by its size trembled in fear. Thanatos on the other hand, couldn't wait and took over Arashi. Arashi eyes became dark and demonic and instead of an aura around him, a bright silver armor took its place. Thanatos wasting no time, summon a sword, created by the powers of darkness. With great speed, he had cut the first Demon in two, but as soon as he cut it, the body burst into flame, all that was left was a pile of ashes. As Thanatos ran after the second demon, it began to run toward the end of the roof, and jump. When he looked down there was nothing there. Thanatos gave Arashi back control of his body, and collapsed because of all of the energy Thanatos had wasted. He began to grow weaker and weaker until his vision became blank.

[_[Spitfire]_]

Ok it's finished, anyone can comment on it, if they choose to.

[Riko]

I'm not a mod but just as a comment to help the mods: You can have one more sub-class since you have two main warrior classes. Actually, you probably need to have one more although I could be wrong on that last point. Anyways, I recommend you get a second Sub-Class. There's not a doubt in my mind that you'll need it.

[_[Spitfire]_]

Bump

[Kisuke]

Alright, there's a bit to be said here. For one thing, the story is somewhat difficult to understand. There are multiple grammar mistakes and mispelled words but what's more is that they actually affect the story itself. This is just one thing. Your history should be a detailed story of your character's life up until the point where they currently are. With this being said, understand that you've given no true information about where your character is. The history ends of by telling the reader that he is wanted. That works if he's in Suzaku, but exactly where is he? Has he joined Suzaku or is he still trying to join Suzaku? What about the girl Hikari? I'm not quite sure where she is based on your story.

Honestly, your history tells close to nothing about the character. Some questions come to mind about Arashi? Where does he get his fighting skills from with no mother or father to teach him? Where does he know Hikari? For one thing, exactly how old is your character now?

There are also some huge gaps in the storyline. One minute your character is with his mom and dad. The next minute, they are both dead by suicide and a car accident respectively. Afterwards, your character is 5 and somehow in Japan with no explanation. Also, I need to add that Japan doesn't exist in the Sentou Gakuin world. Instead, Nyukyoto would be your best substitute. I would suggest picking apart everything in the history and starting from the very beginning. Re-organize the character and be thorough with your explanations. Perhaps you could better explain your character's "equipment" that's mentioned. Give more on this Hikari person. Where did she come from? How long has she known him? As a suggestion, some users create NPCs (Non Player Characters) that help describe any characters explained in the background or RP sample.

Now for the RP Sample itself. I'm lost on where Thanatos comes from. I'd expect a weapon with as much power as that would have some decent story behind it, even if its only a partial story to keep the reader guessing. The brother confuses me as well. A brother is mentioned in the sample but nowhere in the history. Where exactly does he come from? Why wasn't he mentioned in some way? Did he live with Arashi during his childhood or is he much older to a point where he would have already moved out? Some clarity would be great in this area.

When Role-Playing, the majority of role-players that I've seen usually stick to 3rd person. There are few that do use 1st person and even 2nd person, but its difficult to do. 2nd person is nearly impossible due to issues of Godmodding that can arise. Perhaps sticking with 3rd person would be your best option. Usually, something that the character is thinking is said in first person. When doing so, many people separate the thoughts from the rest of the paragraph by some way. This is usually done using different colors or more commonly, Italics. If its something being said aloud quotation marks are being used. Just keep these things in mind as you redo your character.

[_[Spitfire]_]

Bump

[Kisuke]

Alright, time for Round 2. The appearance is acceptable. The personality is a bit brief and fairly vague but I hope that you will expand on his personality through Role Playing. The History is better than the previous one when it comes to continuity but it still doesn't do a great job at explaining your character's life. Your character is a Suzaku Elite but nothing here besides the demons would even help tell a tale about how or why your character decided to join Suzaku. This story which reminds me of Full Metal Alchemist seems to replace your character with Ed and his brother with Alphonse, not to mention Hikari, which reminds me of Winry. Unfortunately, this story seems to end at a point at the start of Ed's life when he leaves to become a State Alchemist. You don't have the luxury of others knowing what's going to happen. You need to tell exactly where you character goes. Why did he choose Suzaku over Sentou Gakuin or being a loner? Suzaku is considered evil. What makes your character seem evil? What allows him to share the same intentions with other Suzaku members or the group itself as a whole? These things need to be greatly considered.

[_[Spitfire]_]

BumP!

[_[Spitfire]_]

BumP!

[Hei]

Looks like it's almost time for round 3...

[_[Spitfire]_]

Looks like it's almost time for round 3...

Ya ur right

[Kisuke]

To start, the history is a little short. Not only does it not fit the line requirement but its also makes your character hard to understand. Its understandable that your character wants to avenge his parents but after that, the story seems to fall apart. Also, your character join Suzaku but it doesn't really explain what he wants. The assumption would be that your character has a deed that he wants done that Suzaku could help him with such as power, fame, control, or domination. Your character just wants to avenge his parents which seems like it is more of a matter of finding these demons rather than becoming more powerful. Give more information about what your character knows about these demons and how they relate to him. Why are they around? What do they have to do with him? Is there something in the past that could have led to these demons attacking. Finally, your personality is too low. You need more lines.

[Kisuke]

I know one thing that you can do to help your chances. Write me a 5 line RP Sample that takes place after your character has become a Suzaku Elite. It should give some insight into your character's goals in his life and how he acts towards others. It should also include some dialogue but there is no maximum or minimum. You still need to fix the things above too.

[_[Spitfire]_]

Bump, I really dont know if its good or not but I will continue to work on it non-stop until I get it done

[Kisuke]

I guess its acceptable this time around. The RP Sample didn't really give much insight into the way your character's goals but I'll take it. So I guess all that's left to say is...

Name: Arashi (Storm) Kato
-Nickname: Storm
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Breed: Demonic Human
Ranking: Suzaku Elite
Alliance: Suzaku
Elemental Affinity: Wind, Darkness
Warrior Class: Ninja, Spellcaster
Sub Class: Assassin, Sage
-----------------------
Appearance:



Arashi is about 5 feet 9 inches and weighs 130 pounds. He is very skinny because he has been eating properly ever since he began to live by himself, He has started to eat properly again because Hikari has forced him to. He has a six pack and many other muscles. He has dark blonde hair and a Tattoo of a flame on his left arm. Few people know why he has that Tattoo on his arm, he belong to an Organization of Assassins before he join Suzaku. He has emerald eyes and wears a sleeve-less jacket. On top of his right gloves he has a charm that Hikari gave to him while he was a child, signifying their love for each other. He always wears black clothes, probably to blend in with the darkness, but no one officially knows. When he uses Thanatos power his eyes become blood red when angered and blue when he is protecting something. His sword, Thanatos, weighs about 70 pounds, some people would say that it’s heavy, but over the time, he has gotten use to it, it doesn't bother him anymore. His clothes are made out a special fabric that weighs about nothing, but is able to withstand the intense winds created by his powers.


Personality:

Arashi had been a care free person that loves to do whatever he wants but hates to ask people for help. He always was confident that he is always doing the right thing. He doesn't like to used as a tool and will kill anyone who abuses any of his friends. He can be annoying because he always want his way. He doesn’t trust a lot of people besides his classmates, teachers, and Hikari. He might help a lot of people such as help someone cross a road, or protecting someone from an assassin. Even though he might seem like a nice person, he has a past that has hardened his heart. He is a cool person to hang out with but never get on his bad side; it might end in your death.

History/Background Story:

Arashi had a wonderful life with his mother, father. He was living in a three story mansion at the heart of Nyukyoto, and was going to a great school that help to him improve his magical powers. But that all changed on his fourteenth birthday, Arashi was walking home from school, when he found their front door opened. As he walked in, he noticed blood on the floor and ran to where the blood was coming from. He opened the locked door and found his mother, Asuka Kato, and his father, Sora Kato, being ripped part by black figures, wrapped in black cloaks. After that Arashi life was never the same again, he just had lost to two most important people in his life. Ever since that incident, Arashi had left his home town Nyukyoto, in hopes of gaining power. He journeyed throughout distand lands to find the infamous, Suzaku, a ruthless clan of criminals aiming for world domination, in search of evil power to fill the gap in his heart, and to final have revenge on the demons that killed his parents. While he was searching for Suzaku, he heard of a Legendary Sword called, Thanatos, that would give it's master any wish he or she desired. Since it gave it master any wish, he started a quest for it, looking aimless for it. Finall after about 15 day of look aimless around Nyukyoto, and distand lands, he found it. A sword created by the wind, inside of a Endless Hurricane. After about a day he finally got to the inner core of the hurricane, blood was drippin from every part of his body because of the intense winds, fast enough to cut you in two. As he walk up to the sword, a dark aura flashed around it, he knew, something evil possessed this sword, but if i granted him the wish to have his parents back, he would do it. As fast as he could, he ran up and grab the sword, it seemed like a normal sword until, that dark aura flashed again. This time it englufed him. He began to hear a evil, dark, sinister voice in his head, it was the Demon of the Sword, Thanatos. Thanatos and Arashi talked for about an hour. Finally Thanatos granted his wish for power, an evil power. Arashi eyes became red and demonic, his skin glowed with the dark aura. He had finally got what he wished for but still wanted more, he set off for Suzaku, once again, but his soul was never the same again.
-------------------------------



RP Sample:

"Revenge comes in many ways"

It had been about 2 years since Arashi had visited Nyukyoto, after that incident, and Arashi had decide to see what has happened to the town he once loved. As he walk into the city, everything look the same to him, but sometime felt wrong, not only could Arashi sense it, Thanatos sensed it too. Arashi talked to Thanatos through his mind. Arashi said "I dont like the feeling I get from being around here, Thanatos, it felt just like that day when I lost my parents" Thanatos replied "I dont like the looks of this either, from my eyes, i can see a Dark Aura, weaker than mine surrounding that building up ahead, there is some kind of demonic force in there." Arashi began to walk toward the building, he notice that it was his old school. He opened the front door and walked in. But Arashi knew there was something wrong, he felt a strong force, about the same one he had felt when he absorbed Thanatos. He walked around the building look for the source. He looked in every classroom, but something was weird. No matter which classroom he look in, the students didnt even look at him, it was like they were under some spell. Arashi though "Whatever" and continued to look. Finally Arashi went to the top of the roof and saw two hooded figures, sitting. It look as if they were chanting something underneath their breath. Arashi, slowly began to walk toward the figures. One look up at him, and began to walk toward him. Arashi began to ask it questions, "What is going on here?" "What are you doing?" But they gave no answer, the only sound Arashi could hear was it's heavy breathing. The black robed figure, without question created a black aura in its hand and pulled out a Scythe. Arashi terrified by its size trembled in fear. Thanatos on the other hand, couldn't wait and took over Arashi. Arashi eyes became dark and demonic and instead of an aura around him, a bright silver armor took its place. Thanatos wasting no time, summon a sword, created by the powers of darkness. With great speed, he had cut the first Demon in two, but as soon as he cut it, the body burst into flame, all that was left was a pile of ashes. As Thanatos ran after the second demon, it began to run toward the end of the roof, and jump. When he looked down there was nothing there. Thanatos gave Arashi back control of his body, and collapsed because of all of the energy Thanatos had wasted. He began to grow weaker and weaker until his vision became blank.

Approved. I suggest that in the future when you RP, be extremely detailed about your character. Try not to leave anything out.

[Sara]

Last edited by _[Spitfire]_ on Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:45 pm; edited 42 times in total (Reason for editing : Because Kisuke Told Me too!)

You must be really dedicated!

Nice character, simple, but that means you can make lots out of him! Still sorry I didn't check him when you asked. I'm a terrible moderator! T_T

[_[Spitfire]_]

bump, Just add Gravity as an Element

[Kisuke]

I ask that you provide a link or some confirmation that entitles you to the Gravity element.

[_[Spitfire]_]

Link

[_[Spitfire]_]

Bump

[Kisuke]

Approved

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